I haven’t blogged for several days, not because I forgot or gave up, but because I wasn’t sure if there was any point. Then, my daughter told me she was following along so here I am again. I think the hesitation is that I just don’t think what I have to say is important enough for anyone to read. That is crazy! I didn’t start it because of who was reading, I started because I thought it would do me good to put into words what I am thinking and the ongoings of me. I don’t expect to have “fans,” I am simply putting things out there to show my humanity, what makes me, me. 

I have been posting about my fitness challenge and may eventually share other things, but in that same vein, I am going to share some deeper insights about why this challenge.

I have fought clinical depression for many years, it isn’t really just depression, but anxiety and PTSD. I just recently came to acknowledge it publicly, because like many others, viewed it as a weakness, didn’t want to admit anything was wrong and assumed it was reserved for people who really suffered traumatic lives. My life, was always just been a life. But realistically, I had things happen to me that weren’t normal. I had struggles that a kid shouldn’t experience and responsibilities I wasn’t ready for dealing with. How does this relate to my taking on this challenge? It relates to a conversation with my wife.

Covid didn’t do good things for me, The isolation allowed me to crawl into a hole. In addition to that hole, the world caught fire. Everything, I heard and read was negative, the dark side of humanity. I also decide to try therapy. That was the clincher. I had to talk about the bad things, and I was reading and hearing all the bad things and my perspective totally lost the ability to see or even acknowledge hope. I hit a level of “what is the point.” How does this relate to that conversation with my wife? 

I was ranting one day, and she looked me straight in the face and she said, “You have no hope.” Initially, I thought she was saying that I was beyond help. But, she followed it up with, “You have to have hope. Hope that things will change, that they will get better.” Now, truthfully, I shut it down with a comment like I didn’t believe in hope. But, here’s the thing. It stuck with me. 

This is where I am at right now, I can’t tell you that I have had hope restored. But, my wife has said that when we do things, when we reach we do it because we hope for a result. That it’s what helps us grow and makes us better. So, for now, I am doing things, things that stretch my comfort zone and challenge me, so maybe I can strengthen that ability to hope again.

I am glad I married her.